Nobody Knows You When You’re Down And Out

I reached a point a couple of weeks back where I felt suicide was the only option left for me. I found the perfect spot. I felt zero fear. Where I hadn’t eaten for 3 or 4 days and hadn’t taken any water in for a couple of days, I was hallucinating those I had loved and lost in my life and as I neared the place I would take my life in the woods, the trees became my safe place and my departed people took their places around me.

As I walked alone for hours leading up to that point and the darkness of the day descended, I sang Eric Clapton songs for company. In particular, Nobody Knows You When You’re Down And Out. I am here now writing this alive although still not in a great place mentally and emotionally however back then, I knew I was walking to my death. Every footstep another step towards the total annihilation of my self. I felt relieved. I felt at peace. I felt immense freedom. Suicide was the one area of my life left where I had some measure of control.

Too many mistakes. Too many missed opportunities. Losing friends and family and with some neighbours not speaking to me at all because I wouldn’t take a jab, preferring the route of natural immunity and bodily autonomy. The sadness palpable that I would never meet my hero, Eric Clapton, who I feel more pride for with each passing day.

I was eventually spotted by a police car, I know not how because I had walked miles away from home, the road I picked and which led to the woodland I was to end my life was pitch black and with no traffic at all up until that point.

Still I am here. I am just taking one day at a time and sometimes, one moment at a time. Tonight, I had a panic attack while sitting in my own kitchen. It came on out of nowhere. I don’t know why I am writing all of this. I just needed to I suppose.

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