My Emotions Are Raw

When I was a kid I cried easily and being a boy growing up on a tough Council (social housing) estate, that set me up for a fair bit of bullying and I suppose early on, the walls started to go up.

I have always used to some degree. Tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, sex, masturbation you name it. Anything to keep me largely benumbed but still with the ability to function socially.

Cue the 9th September 2022 and suddenly I am forced to confront those demons. Placed on a ventilator, my penis catheterised, a tube in my neck by which fluids and nutrients were given. Unable to hold in my waste, from both ends.

All those years of running and hiding and here I was, ostensibly naked and having to face everything head on all at once.

I can remember still being in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) and watching as a mother and son came onto the ward in search of a male relative. An ordinary event. As their eyes found one another in the room and even before they had embraced, I could feel my emotions stirring. When they came together physically, I wept. I couldn’t hold it in. It was a beautiful thing to witness.

And so it is, I am still finding my emotions raw for the most part, crying spontaneously. It’s scary to have so many raw feelings floating about within me however I am finding them greatly cleansing too.

I am that small boy again except this time, I am not going to build any walls or defences against my emotions. I’m simply going to let them flow free.

9/9/2022

This is a date I will always remember.

That was the day I presented to hospital with crippling abdominal pains and 2 days later, a crash call was made due to my being unresponsive with a significant bleed on the ward.

I underwent my first operation on the 11th to perform a laparoscopic small bowel resection.

My second operation was performed on the 13th and a further laparotomy was performed with another section of small bowel removed.

I was discharged this evening.

I am to be on blood thinners for life, which I’m not happy about as they quell sexual ardour – muted orgasms and the like.

I only came off blood thinning treatment a few months ago because of these issues – I had a Pulmonary Embolism in 2017 and that fateful decision has clearly led to this new medical event.

I’m not happy that I will likely now be single for life however having tasted my own demise and having just spent 11 days in Intensive Care, it’s not something I am keen on repeating.

I won’t bang on about Universal Healthcare which is free* at the point of service for all however I am ever so grateful I live in the UK where this treatment was provided for me at no expense other than an *incremental amount of tax taken from my wages throughout my life compulsorily up until this point.

I have taken my first blood thinning tablet this evening.

I have lost so much weight from my face and I have a pallid, grey listless type of look however I will rally. One week ago I was messing several pairs of diapers per day and now I am able to sit here, with full control once more of my bowels. Simple pleasures. I have recovered so quickly in terms of food as well. One week ago, I had a line in my neck and was being fed intravenously.

In time I will go back to see all the doctors and nurses who tended to me and thank them personally. They were magnificent. This has been an ordeal and very nearly a tragedy and it shows that life can change in a moment because on the 8th I felt perfectly well and healthy.

I am sat here listening to The Allman Brothers. My mum has been remarkable, walking nearly a mile through the hospital complex each day to come and visit me, at age 90. Both cats are close by and the garden hedgehogs have just been fed.

Things right now could be a whole lot worse. I’m alive and for that I am grateful.

I’ve Lost My Mojo

My mojo sure ain’t working.

This has been a bad year for me on many levels and a good one in some ways. I discovered how much of a survivor I am and how even when I have been up against it, I haven’t backed down against the howling mob of consensus reality. I have stood my ground and lost pretty much everything in the process.

I have had one spiritual awakening/download after another. I had another gigantic one a couple of days ago. An incredible one, filled with realisations and what I can only term ‘mind explosions’ as I came to realise and understand ‘God’ and the nature of reality, for me that is. It all made perfect sense as my mind and body become the unwitting cipher for these revelations.

And so here I am. No means to share these with others as they’re all so personal and tailored to my own experiences and no means to word them adequately anyhow to get across what I felt as they are in many ways ephemeral. So I am left with an inner knowing. Wisdom if you like, yet an emptiness alongside that. It’s the only word for it. A hollow feeling. A sense that I have been cleared out of all this inner detritus and although I am once more engaged with the world, everything looks and feels different to me now.

I have no need to delve anymore in deep matters. I’m just coasting along on the surface, like a piece of driftwood turning on the tide. That’s not to say I am now shallow or uncaring, just that I am tending to go with the flow and not seeking to control myself or the environment I happen to be in.

The world seems new to me, even things I have seen and known for what seems like a hundred lifetimes. I appear to be viewing the familiar, the mundane with new eyes. I am birdwatching, finding out about the plants, flowers and trees around me as well as noticing ones that I have passed every day yet seemingly never noticed before. It is an awakening. I don’t know where it will take me and I no longer need to. I want to touch leaves and blossoms and petals and as I do so I feel an interconnectedness with all things.

I haven’t spoken to anyone since I last checked in with you all. I haven’t looked at emails or text messages. I have just been floating really, a dandelion seed being carried on the gentlest of breezes. I think I am going to be away for a good while yet. Taking stock. I hope you are well. I am thinking of you all and wishing you are each blessed in every possible way you can be every single day.

I have a lot to be thankful for on a spiritual level and also personally as I have learned what it is to stand up for things I believe in even if it means losing massively along the way. I guess that’s what I meant by titling this I’ve Lost My Mojo. Mojo being a quality which attracts people to me and renders me successful in other people’s eyes.

I am happy to lose my mojo in this instance because what others think is no longer relevant to me nor does it imbue my life with any such meaning. I guess I have gone through a sort of inversion process whereby the qualities I always felt were important really aren’t and the things I took for granted are what really matter.

I’ve lost my mojo however I’ve regained my purpose. The Divine Spark.

I Feel Alive in The Newness of Life

I had another MASSIVE download these past couple of days which again I cannot put into words that even I could understand, let alone you the reader coming to this.

All I know is, I know.

That may sound trite however I now have a knowing, an inner understanding. A deep resonating awareness at the centre of my being.

I know I am enough. In fact, I am more than enough.

I know that all of you are too.

I know that I am in exactly the right place and time and that everything that has ever happened to me was meant to have worked out that way, for me to have these realisations. I am now actively jettisoning, shedding old ways of being.

I feel alive in the newness of life and I am loving it.

Today It Happened

Today it happened. I had a spiritual awakening which is the culmination of 30+ years of seeking and answered every question I have had in relation to the current situation I find myself in, having lost all of my so-called IRL friends, family and even the neighbours who no longer speak with me.

In that moment, I realised 2 things.

1) There is no way I can adequately describe what happened in a way in which others will understand as it goes beyond words, beyond description.

2) Everything which has happened to me, good or ill, was playing out EXACTLY as it had to, for me to reach that point.

What I can explain though is even the most wicked people whom I have encountered, the least spiritual in some ways, each had their own part in helping me evolve on my spiritual journey and in essence, assisting themselves on theirs, whether they are aware of that in this lifetime, or not.

My big takeaway today is I am right where I am supposed to be.

28th April 2022 is my ReBirth Day.

Had A Bad Week

Had probably the worst week of my life, this week just gone. I’m not going to go into details however every single person I know away from online has let me down and let me down very badly indeed.

I reached out to several local organisations and every single one of those has let me down as well. Hence why I haven’t been online all that much.

My friend Sharine did not let me down. Probably the one genuine friend I have in this world and in fact, she taught me how to connect with The Source and that helped me massively and got me through.

I felt such a purity of connection that it was mind-blowing. I felt as if the Creator was right there in front of me and all I felt was peace, love, light and truth. Thank you Sharine xx

Anyhow, I am still vertical and sentient and plan to be for some time. The horizontal and unaware however felt greatly alluring last week.

Thinking Back On A Life

I wrote this the day after I lost my friend, Xev.

I Am Lonely Without You

My little friend died yesterday. To some she would just be seen as a bit of fur. Just a pet. “Never mind, these things happen. Wait a while and get yourself a new one.”

NO!

She was my mate, my friend. I loved her. She loved me. We had a bond which is irreplaceable. Just like her. Irreplaceable. She was the love of my life. I wish I had found her in human form but you know, beggars can’t be choosers. The simple fact is we found each other and for six and a half years, we had each other.

I will miss the sound she made when she played with her toy. I will miss her bringing it to me as a gift. I will miss her cuddling up to me at night and hers being the first face I saw every morning. I will miss her purr. I will miss her little tiger’s roar – she never miaowed but instead gave a mini roar.

Xev

I will miss her smell – of linen sheets and loveliness. I will miss looking into her eyes and seeing the universe play out inside them. I will miss her squeezing my fingers with her paws. I will miss her laying on my side and peering at me from my shoulder even though it was the most uncomfortable position for us both to lay in. I will miss her markings which made it look like she was wearing a tuxedo.

But most of all, I will miss her. She stood just 10 inches tall yet she occupied a massive place in my heart. She was my everything. She was a complex and highly nuanced person housed in the smallest of frames and now she is gone. Our life together played out in an area no larger than 100ft by 60ft and yet the best memories I have ever had were contained within that space.

You will never be forgotten. If I live to be 100 you will likely be one of the last people I think about. Thank you for the memories we shared. Thank you for the love you gave. Your kindness. Your essence. Thank you for your physical presence here on Earth but most of all, thank you for the gift that was your life.

The date 1st September 2021 will be forever etched upon my sorrowed heart. I am lonely without you.

I loved you xx

So Many Different Shades Of Green

I don’t know if you have heard of them or not but there are spectacles you can buy which enable people who are colour-blind, to see the world as it really is. They are made by a company called Enchroma.

I have watched many videos on YouTube where a friend or family member gives someone they love these Enchroma glasses and the reactions are beautiful. You can often see them sliding them down and back up again, to see the two worlds they are simultaneously inhabiting – the world as others view it and the world they have lived in up until then.

What struck me though is how many of the people talk about the many different shades of green there are. Not the striking red rose on the balcony beside them or the stunning yellow flowers across from them. No, it’s the different shades of green in the one hedgerow or the trees in their field of vision.

I had never thought about the various shades of green all around me. The next nice day weather-wise, I stood outside and at first all I saw was a big block of green but then as I looked, I noticed the various different shades within that. It blew my mind. Why had I not noticed this before?

Then I heard the birds. Not just one continuous background sound but all the various individual birds within that. Before then, I had simply taken them for granted because they were always there I suppose. I made a cup of tea and came back outside. The world was revealing itself anew to my 40+ year old eyes and ears.

When I have tried to tell others about this, some have openly jeered/mocked me while others have looked at me pityingly. Not one person has taken seriously what I have said, as if it’s of little to no importance and perhaps in the grand scheme of things it maybe doesn’t appear so however I feel that if more of us approached the everyday, and some might say, mundane aspects of life with renewed interest I don’t feel that can ever be a bad thing.

Thank you, Sharine

It’s been a very traumatic time for me recently and I must make mention of my friend, Sharine who as it happens has a great blog Sharine Wonders which is both well written and thought-provoking. Please do take the time to check it out. Thanks.

Thank you for your support. Your understanding. Your good humour. For listening and really hearing what I have been saying. There are no words to adequately express how you have helped me. Needless to say, I am incredible grateful.

Today I have reached some conclusions which make a lot of sense to me with regards where I am within myself and by extension, my own life.

I had been worrying that certain things which have occurred within my life might have been due to repressed/suppressed memories of other events when in all likelihood, are probably caused by things I do remember which were no less traumatic however I feel I can get a handle on them now and begin to work through them.

I was able to reach this point because I felt comfortable enough to open up to you Sharine, about these events. By the way, that means you’re a pretty amazing person.

I would also like to thank those around you. I don’t want to start naming names because I haven’t asked them if I can do so however you know who I mean. Your ‘without whom’ department. You would likely have been awesome anyway however having good, loving people around you certainly doesn’t hurt.

Thank you very much xx

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑