My Emotions Are Raw

When I was a kid I cried easily and being a boy growing up on a tough Council (social housing) estate, that set me up for a fair bit of bullying and I suppose early on, the walls started to go up.

I have always used to some degree. Tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, sex, masturbation you name it. Anything to keep me largely benumbed but still with the ability to function socially.

Cue the 9th September 2022 and suddenly I am forced to confront those demons. Placed on a ventilator, my penis catheterised, a tube in my neck by which fluids and nutrients were given. Unable to hold in my waste, from both ends.

All those years of running and hiding and here I was, ostensibly naked and having to face everything head on all at once.

I can remember still being in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) and watching as a mother and son came onto the ward in search of a male relative. An ordinary event. As their eyes found one another in the room and even before they had embraced, I could feel my emotions stirring. When they came together physically, I wept. I couldn’t hold it in. It was a beautiful thing to witness.

And so it is, I am still finding my emotions raw for the most part, crying spontaneously. It’s scary to have so many raw feelings floating about within me however I am finding them greatly cleansing too.

I am that small boy again except this time, I am not going to build any walls or defences against my emotions. I’m simply going to let them flow free.

9/9/2022

This is a date I will always remember.

That was the day I presented to hospital with crippling abdominal pains and 2 days later, a crash call was made due to my being unresponsive with a significant bleed on the ward.

I underwent my first operation on the 11th to perform a laparoscopic small bowel resection.

My second operation was performed on the 13th and a further laparotomy was performed with another section of small bowel removed.

I was discharged this evening.

I am to be on blood thinners for life, which I’m not happy about as they quell sexual ardour – muted orgasms and the like.

I only came off blood thinning treatment a few months ago because of these issues – I had a Pulmonary Embolism in 2017 and that fateful decision has clearly led to this new medical event.

I’m not happy that I will likely now be single for life however having tasted my own demise and having just spent 11 days in Intensive Care, it’s not something I am keen on repeating.

I won’t bang on about Universal Healthcare which is free* at the point of service for all however I am ever so grateful I live in the UK where this treatment was provided for me at no expense other than an *incremental amount of tax taken from my wages throughout my life compulsorily up until this point.

I have taken my first blood thinning tablet this evening.

I have lost so much weight from my face and I have a pallid, grey listless type of look however I will rally. One week ago I was messing several pairs of diapers per day and now I am able to sit here, with full control once more of my bowels. Simple pleasures. I have recovered so quickly in terms of food as well. One week ago, I had a line in my neck and was being fed intravenously.

In time I will go back to see all the doctors and nurses who tended to me and thank them personally. They were magnificent. This has been an ordeal and very nearly a tragedy and it shows that life can change in a moment because on the 8th I felt perfectly well and healthy.

I am sat here listening to The Allman Brothers. My mum has been remarkable, walking nearly a mile through the hospital complex each day to come and visit me, at age 90. Both cats are close by and the garden hedgehogs have just been fed.

Things right now could be a whole lot worse. I’m alive and for that I am grateful.

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