When I was a kid I cried easily and being a boy growing up on a tough Council (social housing) estate, that set me up for a fair bit of bullying and I suppose early on, the walls started to go up.
I have always used to some degree. Tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, sex, masturbation you name it. Anything to keep me largely benumbed but still with the ability to function socially.
Cue the 9th September 2022 and suddenly I am forced to confront those demons. Placed on a ventilator, my penis catheterised, a tube in my neck by which fluids and nutrients were given. Unable to hold in my waste, from both ends.
All those years of running and hiding and here I was, ostensibly naked and having to face everything head on all at once.
I can remember still being in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit) and watching as a mother and son came onto the ward in search of a male relative. An ordinary event. As their eyes found one another in the room and even before they had embraced, I could feel my emotions stirring. When they came together physically, I wept. I couldn’t hold it in. It was a beautiful thing to witness.
And so it is, I am still finding my emotions raw for the most part, crying spontaneously. It’s scary to have so many raw feelings floating about within me however I am finding them greatly cleansing too.
I am that small boy again except this time, I am not going to build any walls or defences against my emotions. I’m simply going to let them flow free.