I reached a point a couple of weeks back where I felt suicide was the only option left for me. I found the perfect spot. I felt zero fear. Where I hadn’t eaten for 3 or 4 days and hadn’t taken any water in for a couple of days, I was hallucinating those I had loved and lost in my life and as I neared the place I would take my life in the woods, the trees became my safe place and my departed people took their places around me.
As I walked alone for hours leading up to that point and the darkness of the day descended, I sang Eric Clapton songs for company. In particular, Nobody Knows You When You’re Down And Out. I am here now writing this alive although still not in a great place mentally and emotionally however back then, I knew I was walking to my death. Every footstep another step towards the total annihilation of my self. I felt relieved. I felt at peace. I felt immense freedom. Suicide was the one area of my life left where I had some measure of control.
Too many mistakes. Too many missed opportunities. Losing friends and family and with some neighbours not speaking to me at all because I wouldn’t take a jab, preferring the route of natural immunity and bodily autonomy. The sadness palpable that I would never meet my hero, Eric Clapton, who I feel more pride for with each passing day.
I was eventually spotted by a police car, I know not how because I had walked miles away from home, the road I picked and which led to the woodland I was to end my life was pitch black and with no traffic at all up until that point.
Still I am here. I am just taking one day at a time and sometimes, one moment at a time. Tonight, I had a panic attack while sitting in my own kitchen. It came on out of nowhere. I don’t know why I am writing all of this. I just needed to I suppose.
Had probably the worst week of my life, this week just gone. I’m not going to go into details however every single person I know away from online has let me down and let me down very badly indeed.
I reached out to several local organisations and every single one of those has let me down as well. Hence why I haven’t been online all that much.
My friend Sharine did not let me down. Probably the one genuine friend I have in this world and in fact, she taught me how to connect with The Source and that helped me massively and got me through.
I felt such a purity of connection that it was mind-blowing. I felt as if the Creator was right there in front of me and all I felt was peace, love, light and truth. Thank you Sharine xx
Anyhow, I am still vertical and sentient and plan to be for some time. The horizontal and unaware however felt greatly alluring last week.
John Trudell (February 15, 1946 – December 8, 2015) was a Native American author, poet, actor, musician, and political activist. He was the spokesperson for the Indians of All Tribes’ takeover of Alcatraz beginning in 1969, broadcasting as Radio Free Alcatraz. During most of the 1970s, he served as the chairman of the American Indian Movement, based in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
After his pregnant wife, three children and mother-in-law were killed in 1979 in a suspicious fire at the home of his parents-in-law on the Shoshone-Paiute Tribes Duck Valley Indian Reservation in Nevada, Trudell turned to writing, music and film as a second career. He acted in films in the 1990s. The documentary Trudell (2005) was made about him and his life as an activist and artist. (source – Wikipedia).
John Trudell died 6 years ago today. Never will be forgotten.
Today I respectfully set out the reasons on an online forum why I could no longer align myself with the Christian tradition and by extension, all Abrahamic faiths. This was as a response to someone who was stating that the Bible god represented Truth and Love.
The replies came.
I found myself rudely insulted with a vulgar term used to mean the anus. My words were twisted. Their tone was uniformly aggressive and unfriendly. I was spoken down to in a superior, sneering tone. My intelligence levels were questioned. These people professed to be Bible-believing Christians and yet felt this was the best way to show me God’s redeeming love for all.
I have witnessed this countless times happening to others, both online and in the real-world. Shunning, ostracism, alienation, condemnation, name-calling, guilt-tripping, shaming, harassing. The ‘hatred disguised as love’ narrative coming from religious folk has never ceased to surprise me. Then there are those I knew who went on to become Christians and the change in them has been marked and never for the better.
I am reminded of the passage in Mark, Chapter 7 – “You will know them by their fruits.”
Yes, indeed we will. Rotten to the core.
I very recently began attending church again and a darkness has descended upon me once more – a terrible depression, very unsettling dreams and thoughts. Wishing to no longer be here in the physical.
Every time I have been involved within Christianity, this has occurred. Christians will argue that’s because Satan is now tempting me because I am walking with the Lord.
I no longer believe that.
The OT God is responsible for around 2.8 million deaths and Jesus is supposedly this god made flesh. Satan on the other hand is responsible for just 10 (7 sons and 3 daughters of Job) and God was involved in that, so I would give God an extra 5 and dock 5 from the Devil
I believe the Christian god to be pure evil and I’m done with it. Satan, we are told, disguises himself as an Angel of Light. What better way to dupe people than have them believe that a homicidal maniac and by extension his own son (who came to not bring peace but a sword) is Love and Hope in the world?
Jesus is referred to as the light bringer, as is Lucifer. If Jesus is actually Lucifer then at least there is some hope because Lucifer rebelled against the Biblical god and fell to Earth. Who wouldn’t want to rebel against a monster? I know I would. I would happily forfeit Heaven if that evil being resided there. That for me would be Hell. The Bible is just a collection of books which are copies of copies of copies anyway. Before that was an oral tradition which spanned the decades after the alleged life and works of Jesus. Chinese whispers anyone?
To get around the horrors contained within the Biblical verses and passages, we are told not to view them literally but as part of a wider discourse. A greater meaning. A deeper truth. That the Bible contains codes and even those who don’t profess a Christian faith, seek to give meaning to Bible stories which are at best unintelligible and at worst, pure evil disguised as good. No, thank you.
I have also jumped on the anti-Freemasonry bandwagon. “This person is a Freemason, look at their hand gestures.” “That person is a Freemason, look at the symbolism in their work.” We all have agendas. None of us are exempt in that regard. It could be argued that no one does anything for purely altruistic purposes. I am sure that many people are in some sort of club. Maybe all of the people who are in the public eye.
What it comes down to though, is who do I have more faith in? An invisible god who responds to prayer/grants wishes and always in line with random chance and/or coincidence or people who have at the very least, offered up a different point of view and given those of us who currently feel alienated by much of what is happening, a voice? I’m going to go with the latter every single time.
At the end of the day, if we wait for the god squad we will be waiting a very long time indeed. We need people now who are willing to stand up to the Big Pharma Goliaths and I would rather take a flawed human being perhaps working to an unseen agenda whom I know to be real than a bloodthirsty, celestial tyrant disguised as a loving, pure being who is unproven, beyond a book and the hearsay accounts of those with a very clear agenda, to exist.