Love Light Life (333)

My moral code is simple and it’s all the L’s.

Love
Light
Life

Is it coming from a place of Love?

Is it going to add more Light to the world?

Is it Life affirming?

If the answer is “Yes” in all three cases then I proceed. If it is not then I don’t.

That’s the code I adhere to.

L is the 12th letter of the alphabet and it sums to 3. 1+2 = 3.

L ove
L ight
L ife

333.


Realisations

In 2000, I had an emotional breakdown. It came out of nowhere and I cried for well over an hour. It was a torrent of emotions. I was at a church across town. I felt called to go there. I was chatting away outside and the next thing I knew, I was sobbing. The priest was informed and he came outside and held my hand while I cried. I couldn’t stop.

To this day, I have never known why that place and why I cried as I did. Just seconds before I was having a very normal and ordinary chat with some people there.

Today, I discovered from an online search that the person I spoke about in the previous post, the young gay lad who died tragically at just 19 had his funeral there 2 years previously. I didn’t know that until today. There must have been some sort of residual memory trace or psychic remnants hanging about or maybe I was on a track, which I was closely aligned to because of knowing him, albeit briefly, and this tied me to his energy. I don’t know.

Thinking about it today, I realise there was a feeling associated with the emotional event back in 2000 which mirrors exactly what I felt when I met him and what I feel now, all these years on, having thought about him again. I was crying for E even though he was no longer on the physical plane.

In all the time which has subsequently passed, I have probably only met a handful of people who have left such a deep impression upon me. I think these people, beacons, come along once in a while and although their physical presence is no longer around, their imprint remains for all time and is just as strong as when they were living alongside us. E was definitely one of those.

It’s A Strange Sort Of World

I have been thinking a lot lately about someone I knew only briefly in my early 20’s. He was a young gay lad. I met him through a mutual friend at the time.

He had been brought up within the Roman Catholic religion and his coming out was a difficult time for his nearest and dearest. I knew him for just a few short months back in the late 1990’s but I was always struck by his kindness, his gentle nature and his resolve to live life on his own terms, regardless of what the fallout might have been for others who perhaps weren’t quite as accepting of himself as he was. He wasn’t yet out of his teens but in many ways, a self actualised individual. I looked up to him. He was courageous and although his smile masked inner turmoil and pain, he always brought love to the table.

He was befriended by an older male (B) within the wider gay community. I can vividly recall the night I was told that B had been involved in an horrific accident. His car had veered off the road and shortly thereafter burst into flames, the occupant fully aware of the situation he had found himself in. I was friends with quite a few gay people at the time and one was an older male, same sort of age as B. He burst into tears when he heard. He told me what a lovely man B was. I was relieved it wasn’t E. A short while later, it was discovered B hadn’t been in the car at all but had let E borrow it.

E was a lovely person, inside and out. He had a smiling cheeky face and the thought he had left the world in that way, filled with yet more pain, his beauty being erased with each passing second, was just too horrible to contemplate. His story was featured in the local newspaper. His photograph there too. I got hold of a copy and took it home, putting it under my bed and taking it out once in a while to read it, to somehow keep him alive. My mother being a deeply homophobic person (still is, sadly) got rid of it. Threw it out and only told me after the dustbin men had taken it away.

I have been an addict for a very long time. Drink, food, cigarettes etc you name it. I have been battling inwardly for more time than I care to think about and this year having gone through yet another breakdown, realised my issues had begun in the serious way they have presented themselves within my life, since about 1998. That’s the year I pinpointed it to. So, I decided to once and for all get clean and discover who I am under all of this.

It was then E came to me in a dream. There he was. Just as when I knew him. I could hear his voice. I hadn’t thought about him in over 20 years so wasn’t sure at the time why I had dreamed of him. I now realise he was the catalyst for my self-destructive path, the straw which broke this camel’s back. Getting clean had created the insights needed to see that the pain of his loss was just too much for me to handle at the time and because I didn’t have anyone I could confide in about this, I instead tried to bury it and simultaneously began seriously self-medicating.

The day after the dream, I went looking online for him and for a long time couldn’t find him at all and wondered if I had made him up. Then there he was. Born 1978, died 1998 at just 19. I had found him. I was born in 1973 and my year of birth seems to get further away with time using the scroll bars on online forms but 1978 still seems fresh. I feel the pressure of time now at 48 but 43/44 is nothing. Young. It’s difficult to contemplate someone having had so much to offer the world and being gone in his early 40’s, let alone knowing that for 24 of those years he hasn’t graced the world at all with his presence and never will do so again.

I miss him. More now probably than ever.

This song reminds me of him.

Seeking Direction

My blog has been directionless for a long time and I have thought about closing it down however I set it up with intent and that remains, so here I am once again.

I decided to stop thinking, to let things which need to air come to the surface and I had some very powerful realisations. I am 48, nearly 2/3 of the way through the journey.

I fear death. I can’t see it as it’s still some way off however I know it’s there, looming just over the horizon. I have been thinking about my mark on the world, my legacy and panicking.

I know that I don’t need to worry. The stranger I smile at which lifts their mood and makes them feel that yes, I do wish to stay here keeps me going as does seeing a stranger smile at me.

I have too often felt apart from the world instead of being a part of it.

Writing keeps me sane. It’s no real surprise that my world fell apart when I figuratively put down my pen for a while.

I don’t know what direction this blog will eventually go in or if it will just randomly meander and that’s okay. It will go where it goes.

It’s nice to be back.

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